


Not Alone Anymore

by Piper_Halliwell1979



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Comforting Dean, First Dates, First Time, M/M, Nightmares, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-07
Updated: 2016-04-07
Packaged: 2018-05-31 18:13:35
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,342
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6481531
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Piper_Halliwell1979/pseuds/Piper_Halliwell1979
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Since casting out Lucifer Cas has been suffering from night terrors from PTSD. Dean had been giving him space but it's time to show Cas he doesn't have to go through this by himself</p>
            </blockquote>





	Not Alone Anymore

**Author's Note:**

> Season 11/Post Season 11

Cas woke up drenched in sweat. He'd soaked his pillow and sheets again. He'd barely slept three hours and it had been filled with night terrors. His stomach lurched and he grabbed for the rubbish bin beside the bed. After a couple dry heaves he realized it was all part of the panic attack. 

There was a full bottle of water on the nightstand he didn't remember bringing with him. He drank it down in four long gulps before getting up to strip his damp sheets. Folded neatly in a wooden chair by the wall was a stack of fresh linens. Cas didn't remember that either. He attributed it to his lack of sleep over the past week. 

He remembered how to respond to his body's needs from all the time he'd spent being a human previously. He tried to sleep but he would always wake up in terror. He didn't want to burden Sam and Dean with it after all they had done for him already. He would quietly make his way down to the laundry room and wash his bedding before they woke up. Next came the shower and starting the coffee pot. Just another routine.  
But this time was different. He smelled coffee already when he opened his bedroom door. It was just after five in the morning. Maybe one of the brothers had stayed up all night. Dean, usually. He had suffered from insomnia most of his life and functioned on very little sleep most of the time. Cas bundled up his bedding and attempted to pass by the kitchen without being accosted. That would happen on his way back.

"Cas? You got a minute?" Dean called to him. Many years ago Dean had threatened to put a bell on him to keep him from sneaking up on them. Now Dean seemed to know his every move.

"Sure, Dean," he answered. Dean gestured for him to sit across from him. There was a steaming cup of coffee waiting for him.

"Talk to me. You do this every morning, pretending to be the first one up. Your room is right next to mine. I hear you calling out in your sleep and then sneak off to the laundry room."

Cas put his head down. He didn't want to have this discussion. And he couldn't lie to Dean. "I have nightmares. I sweat profusely so I must change the sheets. I apologize for disturbing you. I'll try to be quieter." He sipped at his coffee. Dean had made it exactly how he liked it.

"I don't care about that, Cas. I care about you and what you're going through. I'm done being the asshole who tells you to suck it up. I want to be here for you and help you work through this." Dean reached across to put his hand on Cas' arm. Cas eyed it but didn't remove it.

"I don't know what's wrong with me. I don't understand why sleeping is so difficult or why all my dreams are so...dark." Cas sighed. "I can't seem to get Lucifer out of my head. You don't know the horrible images he would create for me."

"It's called PTSD. Post-traumatic stress disorder. It's what happens to people after a major event in their lives. I've had it since I was four and my mom died. Sam has it. Remember when I had to put him in the hospital? When you took his place? Lucifer wouldn't let him go either. He was always in his head and Sam spent a long time without sleep. That's what's happening to you." Dean's thumb stroked Cas' arm. He didn't want to see Cas broken again, but since it was beyond his control he could at least try to help him.

"How do I make it stop?"

"You don't. It's always going to be there. You learn to function with it until you overpower it. Right now it consumes you. There's this giant ball of negative shit storming all around you and you feel like a tiny ship getting tossed around in the tempest. With time it becomes just a tiny part of you. I'm going to help you fight this." Dean slid his hand down to cover Cas'. "I meant what I said before. I'm gonna be the man you need me to be."

"I appreciate that Dean. And I appreciate your patience with me. I just need to get better." 

Dean gave Cas' hand a squeeze. They'd spent years avoiding their feelings for one another. Now that the walls were down they knew where they stood. Cas needed time. Dean was willing to give him anything. It was his fault Cas subjected himself to the horror that was Lucifer. He had so much to make up for.

"Cas, maybe you should start sleeping with me. Not like that, but...I can try to help you through the nightmares. I'll sit up and watch movies with you or we'll read or just talk till you get sleepy and I'll be right there to wake you up if you start getting upset. Do you want to try that for a couple nights?"

"Okay, Dean. I'm willing to try that. I hate to deprive you of sleep as well."

"We're together now. It means your pain is my pain and you don't have to face it alone. And you can talk to Sammy about this stuff too. You're brothers now. We're a family. We take care of each other."

"I love you, Dean."

"I love you too, Cas. Come on, we'll watch some funny cat videos in bed and it's okay if you doze off for a bit. I got you."

Cas followed Dean to his bedroom. He crawled under the covers on one side and rested his head on Dean's shoulder. Watching cats and kittens relaxed him. The cuteness distracted him from the remnants of his nightmares. Dean wrapped an arm around him and Cas managed to drift off.  
Cas was surprised to wake up warm and dry. Dean had pulled him into an embrace and held him close. He felt safe. He felt...loved. He nuzzled into Dean's neck and smiled. He felt lips press to his forehead.  
"Morning, babe. You get some rest?" Dean kept hold of him. He was trying to be gentle with Cas. The last time this happened Cas had been broken. Instead of comforting him Dean had been angry and selfish. This time would be different. They had all been broken at some point and Cas had been there to fix them. Short of angelic powers Dean was determined to repair the damage he'd caused by any means. 

The moment Cas was free of Lucifer Dean had rushed to him. He grasped the lapels of Cas' trench coat and kissed him, declaring his love when he pulled back. Cas kissed him back before fainting in Dean's arms. He carried the crumpled angel out to the Impala and drove him home. Cas remained unconscious for nearly two days while Dean stayed at his side, tending his wounds and holding his hand. He was there when Cas whimpered and cried out. He'd wiped him down and changed him into some of his lounge pants and a tee shirt. When Cas woke up and felt like talking he was hurt to be put on hold but he understood. 

"I finally did, Dean. Thank you." Cas sighed.

"This feels nice...right. I don't want to leave this bed." 

"Well, we can stay like this a little longer. Then I'll have to fix us some breakfast and if you want we can just hang out in here all day. Or go for a long drive. Whatever you want." 

"How about ten more minutes of snuggling and we go out for breakfast? Like a date?"

"So, if it's a date do I get to kiss you at the end of it?" Dean dropped his hand down to Cas' and laced their fingers together. 

"I'd like that very much." He smiled but it faded. "I don't know how long it will take to fix me, Dean. Last night you told me I had to get control over it to not be consumed by it. Allowing my disorder to impede our relationship is consumption." Cas sat and dress his knees up, resting his chin on them. "I want this. I want to fall asleep in your arms and wake up to your face. I want the kissing and the hand holding. I want to go on dates. I want to be a good mate to you."

Dean got up on his knees behind Cas and hugged him from behind. "You are, Cas. You've always been the perfect 'mate' for me. And I want to have all those things with you, too. It doesn't matter how long it takes." He got out of bed and offered his hand to Cas. "And nobody says 'mate' anymore. You're my boyfriend." He pulled Cas over to the dresser to find them some clothes.

"I miss my coat," Cas pouted. It had become a security blanket for him. Still, he felt closer to Dean when he wore his clothes. 

"It's hanging on the coat rack in the archive room, assbutt. I'm never getting rid of it. I just think you look hot in my clothes. Except the baggy jeans. After breakfast we're going shopping for some that fit better. You've been hiding a gorgeous body for too long."  
Cas accepted the clothes Dean handed him.

He decided he would change in the bathroom after a quick shower. He could hear Sam in another stall.

"Finally slept in, huh?" Sam called over to him.

"Dean and I fell asleep watching cats on YouTube. We're going out for a breakfast date and then shopping for pants that fit me better."

"Awesome. I hope you enjoy it." Sam stepped into the water to wet his hair. He focused on his grooming rituals and left Cas alone. Dean just came in to brush his teeth and fix his bed head hair. He was ridiculously handsome. Cas rushed to finish his shower so he could dry his hair and get dressed.

Dean and Cas hadn't gone out as a couple before. The diner closest to the bunker had been graced by the three of them or just Sam and Dean before. There were a couple ladies who liked to flirt for better tips. They may be surprised to see Dean holding Cas' hand.

Ever the gentleman, Dean came around to open the door and then held the diner door for Cas. They picked a corner booth and waited for Tricia, one of their familiar waitresses, to come over.

"Where's the big'un?" She asked referring to Sam.

"My boyfriend wanted a breakfast date so my brother graciously sat this one out, " Dean smiled at Cas.

"Awww...after all this time together you still make dates? I've been with Robbie for six years and we only go out on Valentine's, our anniversary, and our birthdays. Sometimes not even then. You mind if I tell him to light a fire under his butt? You two could teach him a thing or two about romance."

"Sure thing, Trish. Hope you get a date night out of it."

"You want your usual, hon? What about you, sugar?"

"I think I will have a short stack with a side of bacon. Cas?"

"French toast with the pineapple sauce, please."

"Gotcha. Be back in a few."

"You didn't correct her about our relationship. She assumed we have been a couple for much longer." Cas looked confused. Dean laughed quietly.

"That's because we have been. We were just too stupid to realize it. And what's with the pineapple? You usually avoid sweets."

Cas blushed and ducked his head. "I read an article about how certain foods can affect the um...taste. Of a man's...."

"Got it. Really? You can eat foods to make it sweeter?"

"The article suggested pineapple. It makes for an interesting experiment." 

Dean loved the way Cas spoke so casually about taboo topics. They were sitting across from one another discussing altering the taste of semen in the event of oral sex. Dean never gave it much thought. He assumed cum was salty based on the Penthouse letters he read. Now he was curious to find out how Cas tasted. Tricia interrupted his thoughts with plates of food.

"You boys need anything else?"

"That pineapple looks good. Can I add a fruit cup to my order?" Dean winked at Cas. Tricia nodded and went back to the kitchen.

It took Cas a moment to catch on but he smiled wide when he did. He offered Dean a bite of his pineapple French toast across the table. Dean gave him a syrup smothered bite of pancake. They dabbed napkins at each other's faces and laughed. Cas almost teared up when he realized how long it had been since he and Dean had been that happy together. He fought it back.

This was exactly what Lucifer told him he could never have. He wasn't worthy of love. All he did was screw things up. Dean would reject him the moment he shared his true feelings. Dean would be disgusted at the thought of another man touching him.

"Hey, where'd you go?" Dean said softly. He reached across the table for Cas' hand. "He's in your head again, isn't he?"

"I'm sorry, Dean. I was enjoying our date and then...the things he said to me...he made me believe this wasn't possible. I feel amazing when I'm with you and I got a little overwhelmed when I realized he was wrong."

"Babe, I'm going to spend the rest of my life proving to you how wrong he was. I'm in love with you. I want you. And I want to find out if your pineapple theory works." Dean smiled at him. He always knew when to lighten the mood with his humor. Cas appreciated it.

They finished their meal and headed to the mall a couple towns over. Cas was still reluctant to buy jeans but Dean convinced him that dress slacks were for jobs and denim was for downtime and hunting. He was also getting Cas something besides sensible shoes. 

"Hi, I'm Jackson, do you need a personal stylist today?" They were greeted at a clothing store. 

"Yes, Jackson, I believe we do. My boyfriend has been hiding his gorgeous bod under off the rack suits far too long and I would love to see him in more flattering apparel. Also, he has the most beautiful blue eyes so any shirts that could really accentuate those..." 

"Then he is in good hands. Come on, let's get you in a fitting room and measured and I will find some stuff for you to try on."

Cas looked a little bewildered to be dragged by the young man behind a heavy curtain. Dean seated himself just outside so Cas could model for him.

"So, is he like, your sugar daddy or something?" Jackson asked as he took measurements.

"Dean is trying to get me to see myself the way he sees me. I went through something...traumatic."

"I'm sorry. Your boyfriend sounds more like your guardian angel. You get down to your socks and boxers and I'll be back with a few things."

The first outfit Cas tried on was more form fitting than he was used to. The pants rested comfortably on his hips and were the right length. The shirt was a dark grey v neck that clung to his torso. Dean shifted in his seat.  
"What do you think, Dean?" Cas twirled around.

"I think if I said it out loud I'd get arrested. You are smoking hot, Cas." Dean was looking at him like he was a rare steak. "Why don't you pick a few more shirts and a couple more pairs of jeans like that and I will be right back? I'm gonna call Sam and tell him we're making a whole day of this." Dean stood to give him a quick kiss. He left a black credit card with Jackson. "Anything my baby wants, my baby gets," he told him. 

By the time Dean came back Cas was dressed in a black pair of jeans with a dark blue button down shirt. The sleeves were rolled up and he was wearing sandals instead of dress shoes. He had three bags of clothes and a shoebox with new boots. Dean signed the receipt and helped with the bags. 

"You want me to go put these in the car so we don't have to carry them around all day?" Dean asked.

"What else would you like to do?"

"There's a movie theater. You want to go on a second date with me?"

"That sounds like a great idea, Dean."

Cas barely remembered any details of the film by the time it was over. He'd spent most of it in the back corner of an empty matinee theater enjoying what Dean referred to as "making out." His lips were a little sore and his jaw ached but kissing Dean for the better part of an hour was worth it. His mind had wandered more than once to doing this at home in bed with Dean. His new jeans had become almost unbearably tight.

"You want to do anything else before we go home?" Dean had his arm around Cas' waist. He was having a pretty awesome day. They actually got to spend it as a "normal" couple doing the mundane. Dean hadn't had that in years. Cas had tried to date and wound up babysitting and fighting for his life. They should have taken it as a monumental sign they weren't meant to be with anyone else but each other. If Cas had only known what Dean had been thinking when that shirt was being unbuttoned.

"I'm having such a wonderful time with you, Dean. I'm happy to do whatever you suggest."

Dean stopped walking and faced him. "Careful what you agree to, Cas. I might suggest that we go home, kick Sam out of the bunker for the night, and you let me ravish you for hours." He pulled Cas close for a slow, romantic kiss. They were startled by a group of older teen girls applauding and cat-calling. They both blushed. "But I wouldn't want to rush you into anything you aren't comfortable with. I want the first time we make love to feel perfect for both of us."

"It will be Dean. But don't expect to get me into bed after a couple dates. I could get a reputation," Cas said with a deadpan expression. They both burst into laughter.

"Okay, what if I take you out to dinner tonight? How far can I get after three dates?" Dean joked.

"Hmmm...depends on where we go to dinner." Cas teased. Dean was tickled by his sense of humor. Cas had loosened up quite a bit since they first met. Having their alone time today really agreed with him. 

"What if we hit the grocery store and I cook dinner at home for us? I make more than burgers, you know. We can get a bottle of wine..." Dean suggested.

"Sold. Now we can be disgustingly adorable at Whole Foods."

Dean decided on chicken and pasta. He wasn't much of a wine drinker but he preferred white to red. He planned accordingly. Cas helped with the veggies. He wanted zucchini and cherry tomatoes. Dean picked fresh cloves of garlic and some herbs. Maybe Cas could start a little herb garden at home. 

They were the embodiment of domestic bliss. Pushing a cart together, smiling and bickering over if they had enough olive oil at home. They had shopped together before but usually Cas threw random shit in the cart while he and Sam argued over something. Very rarely did they make it home with just what they wrote on the list. 

Dean sent a quick text to Sam to let him know they intended to have a romantic dinner for two so he should probably make plans to be elsewhere. Sam replied for him to not forget the rubbers and lube. 

Cas met back up with him at check out with two bottles of white wine. One was for cooking and the other was for drinking. When they checked out the cashier told Dean that his husband had great taste in wine. Dean smiled and didn't bother correcting her. If he had known being "out" wasn't such a big deal and that Cas had felt the same way...they lost a lot of time he wanted to make up for.

Cas was quiet on the ride home. He sat close to Dean and rested his hand on his knee. Dean would give Cas' shoulder the occasional squeeze to let him know he was still there. It reminded Dean that it would take a lot more than one good day to repair the damage Lucifer had done to Cas. It had been years since Sam went through it and Dean still heard a night terror or caught him staring into space with tears forming in his eyes.

"I'm never leaving you alone again. You know that don't you, Cas? I mean, if you need some space now and then I'll give it to you but today...it's just the first of many. We're an 'us' now. We're 'Destiel' the super couple like 'Brangelina'. We kill demons together, even the ones rattling around out brains." Dean kissed Cas on the temple as they took the last turn towards home.

"He's still there, Dean. Telling me I'm dreaming and that when I wake up you'll be gone. You were the happy place I went to when I tried to shut him out. I've been terrified of losing you all day. I know he isn't real but the fear is. I'm sorry I keep drifting away." Cas' voice faltered.

Dean pulled into the garage and shut off the Impala. "Babe, you don't ever have to apologize. None of this is your fault." He reached into his pocket and pulled something out. "I was going to wait till after dinner but I got you something while you were trying on clothes." Dean took Cas' right hand and slipped a thin silver band on it. "It's a promise ring. It's cheesy but I wanted you to have something, to see it and feel it and know you got me."

"I love it, Dean. I love you." He kissed Dean sweetly. 

"I love you. Now let's get our stuff in the bunker so we can get started on dinner."  
Dean gathered the groceries and Cas grabbed his new clothes. Before Cas could get them to his room Dean stopped him.

"You can put all that stuff in 'our' room if you want." Cas was a little relieved. After that morning he never wanted to sleep alone again. He'd move the rest of his few possessions tomorrow.

He joined Dean in the kitchen and they moved around like it was a choreographed dance. Cas was naturally graceful but they had fought together so long they had a sense of each other's positions. It didn't take long for them to have dinner plated with garlic buttered bread. Dean asked if Cas wanted candles but he waved them away. He poured the wine and settled across from Dean.

"To us," Dean toasted.

"To us." Cas clicked his glass.

They joked about not remembering anything about the movie they sat in earlier. Cas told Dean the young man at the clothing store inquired if Dean was a sugar daddy. They pointed out the little moments through the day when they were referred to as husbands and how awesome it was to feel like any other couple despite literally having been through hell and back. 

They washed and dried their dishes together and settled down on the sofa in the common room together. Cas was leaned back in Dean's arms as they watched a couple shows on Netflix. At some point Dean started running his fingers up and down Cas' arm and kissing his neck. Cas shifted around to face Dean.

"You have the most beautiful eyes, Cas." Dean whispered to him. He nuzzled their noses together before capturing Cas' lips with his own. Cas moaned into it and combed his fingers through Dean's hair. Dean moved slightly on top of him, his leg between Cas'. He was already hard beneath his jeans and he pressed into Cas' thigh. 

"I want you, Dean. I've wanted you for so long." Cas panted as Dean sucked and nipped at his neck. He tugged Dean's shirt free of his jeans and ran his hands over the hot flesh of Dean's torso. He thumbed over Dean's hardening nipples.

"Oh god, Cas I want you so bad." Dean was grinding himself against Cas' leg and wishing they had a lot less clothing between them. He balanced himself to unbutton Cas' shirt. He slid it to the sides so he could start trailing kisses along Cas' collarbone and down his chest. He flicked his tongue around Cas' nipples and gently pulled at it with his teeth. Cas hissed and gripped Dean's hair.  
Dean worked his way down to Cas' navel. He swirled his tongue, causing Cas' hips to jerk upward. "You want me to keep going?" He looked up at Cas for consent to undo his pants.

"Yes, Dean, please," he begged. His jeans were too constricting for his erection. He fumbled to get his belt off. Dean pushed his hands away and calmly did it for him. He opened the fly and tugged the jeans down. Cas lifted his hips to assist in his jeans removal. Dean was pleased to see how excited he was making his boyfriend.

"What do you want me to do now, Cas?" 

"Take off your pants, Dean. And your shirt. And my shirt. Oh why are there so many clothes?" He was craving skin to skin contact. Dean was more than happy to fulfill his request. Once they were only clad in boxers Dean resumed the grinding with his deep kisses.

"Do you want to get in bed or do you want to stay here?" Dean asked.

"Bed. More room." Cas answered quickly. Dean was up in a flash and picked Cas up like a bride to carry him to their bedroom. Dean laid him down and sat back on Cas' legs straddle of him.

"Okay Cas, I've never...I mean I've had fantasies..."

"I haven't either. I know theoretically how to make love with another man but..."

"Tell me what you want, baby. Teach me how to please you." Dean moved forward for another passionate kiss. It was so different being with Cas when all he had to compare to was women but this was the first time it felt so right. He hoped Cas could guide them through their exploration. 

"You are pleasing me Dean. Your kisses, your touch. I want...more. I don't know what." Cas was pulling at Dean, trying to get him even closer.

"Do you want me...inside?" Dean hesitated. It usually wasn't his thing when he was with a woman but he knew there was a lot of lube and a lot of patience involved.

"Yes. Please, Dean. I want to be so close to you."

"I don't want to hurt you."

"You won't. I trust you." Cas wrapped himself around Dean and resumed his deep kisses. He was nervous, scared. He didn't know what to expect but he wanted so badly to have his body joined with Dean's.

Dean pulled away long enough to open the nightstand drawer. His hand fumbled around for his bottle of lube and a condom. "I need to loosen you up first, okay?" Cas bit his lip and nodded his consent. He gasped at the first intrusion of Dean's slicked finger. "Still good?" Cas nodded again and Dean began working in and out of him. He only startled at the second finger but was soon moaning and pushing himself down to meet Dean. 

"I think I'm ready, Dean." Cas held his breath as Dean rolled the condom on and added more lube. When Dean pressed into him he stopped with just the head to let Cas adjust. Dean was obviously thicker than two fingers and he was feeling the burn from stretching. "More," he growled. Dean inched further in until Cas felt Dean's balls heavy against his ass. He stayed deep for a moment before sliding back.

"Oh god, Cas you feel so good." Dean was taking his time and relishing every second he was inside Cas. His instinct was to pick up the pace, slam into his lover, and race to climax. Not this time. He'd wanted this for too long to let it be over too quickly. He grabbed Cas' hips and pulled up so he would hit his sweet spot on the next thrust.

"Dean!" Cas cried out. He dug his nails into Dean's back and bit down on his shoulder. He could feel himself leaking onto his stomach but he wasn't quite over the edge. 

"Touch yourself, baby. I want to watch you come." Dean was breathing hot into Cas' ear. Cas reached between them and gave himself a slight squeeze. 

Dean balanced himelf on one arm and put his hand over Cas'. He guided his hand up and down the shaft with the rhythm of his thrusts. He could feel Cas tighten around him as he got closer. Cas pitched his head back on Dean's pillow. His back arched and his eyes rolled back as hot liquid spilled onto their hands and his stomach. The spasms pulled at Dean, milking his own orgasm into the condom. He collapsed onto Cas out of breath.

They laid there panting feeling the rise and fall of each other's heaving chests. Dean had softened so he held the condom to him while he pulled out. He tied it off and tossed it in the trash. He grabbed a packet of baby wipes from his drawer to clean them up with. Cas just stayed on his back with a smile and a look of utter contentment on his face.

"Cas, that was...wow! I don't think I've ever felt like that before. I mean, sex is great, but really, really making love...it's incredible. You're incredible, Cas." Dean rolled onto his back and pulled Cas onto him to cuddle.

"How do you feel? Did I do okay? Did I hurt you?"

"I feel wonderful. I don't really have anything to compare this to but I can assure you that I am most satisfied. And I will most likely be a little sore but you didn't hurt me me. You made me feel loved and wanted."

"You are wanted. And needed. And I love you so much. I've felt that way about you for so long."

"Me too, Dean. I've loved you since before I knew what those feelings meant. Sometimes I believe you were made for me instead of Michael."

"Just so you know, you're the only angel I will ever want inside my body." Dean laughed and blushed. Cas laughed with him. Dean pulled the blanket up over them.

"Dean? We never found out if the pineapple worked."

"You're right. We'll have to go buy some more and find out another time."

It wasn't long before the pillow talk faded into sleep.

Cas stirred in his sleep sometime close to four in the morning according to Dean's watch. Small whimpers crescendoed to crying out. Sweat beaded on Cas' forehead. Dean wrapped himself around Cas, trying to cover his body. He planted gentle kisses on his face.

"Sshh...it's okay, baby. I'm right here. I got you." Dean soothed him. He knew there would be many more nights like this for them. It was okay. They would get through them together. He was never leaving Cas alone again. 


End file.
